I don’t want a romantic relationship, and I don’t want a sexual relationship. But what I am really, really missing is having a D/s relationship. What I had before with him is exactly what I want, which makes it hard. It was perfect, for a while. We never kissed, we never had sex. He simply always had control. 

He’d take me to my knees and immobilize me with a hand on the back of my neck, just to show that he still could. We’d wrestle, but never with any doubt of who would win. No question that I would end up pinned to the ground being tickled mercilessly or just completely subdued. At any given moment, he could look me in the eyes with a certain, sadistic look and pin me there, make me freeze and my heartbeat elevate and my stomach to flip. He could throw me into sub space with a rush of adrenaline and a feeling of complete helplessness. With just a fucking look. Or he would, in the midst of relentlessly teasing me into a flustered mess, just bring a hand down on my bare leg and leave a handprint that would last for 20 minutes. And there were smaller things – he always drove, even when we took my car. He tended to relegate me to the back seat when we had someone else in the car, once again, even when we took my car. He’d say something into my ear in a low voice occasionally that would turn me to jelly in public. If I had a drink or food, we both knew that if he wanted some, there would be no problem with us sharing. If we had a snack at his house, like pretzels, he would often make it a game of keep away from me until it was his decision to let me have some. If he twisted my arm behind me, I would hardly ever even consider moving it away, because of the mindset it put me in. So many things…

I’m not looking for a sexual relationship. I consider myself mostly asexual. I am mostly sex-repulsed, when it comes to actual involvement, and I’d much rather take care of myself. But I would have let him fuck me into oblivion. I’m aromantic, but I wanted the relationship we had to never end. The level of physical trust I had was so immense. I want another relationship like that. I want to be in another relationship where sex isn’t required. (Sure, in the right circumstances it might happen eventually, but it’s not the point at all.) I want to know again that someone genuinely just enjoys having me be theirs and having control over me. And that they’re competent and capable enough to have control over themselves and me.

It just seems like everyone is after sex, which ultimately drives me the fuck away. But I always felt different with him. He enjoyed the control and not once did he push for sex. I just miss the relationship we had.