Since this story went over so well with you all, I’ve decided to write down another similar memoir. Why? Because my sex life does not always run as smoothly as tumblr makes it seem and sometimes really awkward stuff comes up. Things aren’t always pornirific.

Take, for example, my first threesome.

A friend who I was getting intimate with and I really wanted to try to have a threesome. However, we were scrambling to find a third party and just couldn’t turn up the goods. At first, this may have been because our standards were absolutely ridiculous: 

1. He needed to be male, as we just figured there was way too much taco at the party in the first place.
2. He needed to be on an equal playing field with us intellectually.
3. He needed to be unattached from any other women.
4. He could not be one of my or her exes. 
5. He had to have a general respect for lesbianism more than just the simple male-gaze “two chicks making out” sort of fascination.
6. He needed to like some of the same authors and musicians as us, which we had listed out and assumed that mutual taste in literature and music would equal a sort of ying-yang feng shui experience that we would all be buzzing from afterwards. 
7. He needed to be at least an 8 on our individual scales of attractiveness and he couldn’t have a beard because that kind of scratch plus eating pussy was on par with one of Dante’s rings of hell.
8. And so on and so forth with increasingly ridiculous criteria for what would be a one-time, completely random sexual experience.

We turned up with no one. The people were either too close to us to be threesome material or could not meet the list of standards we had set. 

So, we decided to lighten our approach:

1. He needs a functioning central nervous system.
2. He needs a penis with the ability to get erect.

It was like we’d taken the safe-search off of google. Suddenly, half of the population that was our age had met the requirements for a threesome. But, we still held out. Our schedules were kind of busy and we just couldn’t bring ourselves to pick someone. 

And, then, finally, the threesome happened to us. This sounds positively Biblical, the whole waiting for grace thing and then being granted it when you stop pushing so hard and trying to make it on your terms. Which is actually super appropriate, as I had just left church and was headed over to hang out with her and one of our mutual friends. 

I honestly wasn’t really in the mood to hang out that day. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before for whatever reason and I felt like I had been hit in the face with a brick for waking up to go to church that morning. I probably should not have even been driving, I was so exhausted.

Which is why, when I arrived at my friend’s place, I almost fell asleep on the couch. And then at her kitchen table when we decided to eat something. And then on the toilet when I went to use the bathroom. So, my friend finally declared that we should all just take a nap for a little while.

The three of us climbed into her bed. He was in the middle, we were on either side of him. Before I drift off, I notice her looking at him with this sudden realization. It was as if she were going to say, “dear me, (redacted), I just realized you have a functioning brain and a functioning penis. How could I have not seen it before?" 

And then I fell asleep.

I wake up an hour or so later to fell a hand on my butt under my dress. I kind of blink a few times, looking over my shoulder, and see the two of them smiling at me. Then, they start making out. I think this is sort of an invitation, but I decide instead to just fall back asleep. 

He pinches my ass. I open my eyes again. I try to go back to sleep. He slaps my ass. I groan and mumble out, "I just want to take a nap.”

Now, you have to know that I literally will never elect going to sleep over messing around. I am notorious among people I’ve been with for never wanting to sleep, which really means never wanting to stop playing around. But this was different. I was deliriously tired. 

This is why the two of them assume I am trying to be coy. So he kind of rolls me so I’m between them and they’re both kind of trying to make out with me and grope me as I attempt to sleep. Please don’t interpret this as rape. I was getting plenty aroused and I was very much into him. But, by the same token, I was really flipping exhausted. 

Finally, I just tell myself that if I just keep my eyes closed and do this threesome stuff at the same time, it’ll be the best of both worlds and will totally work. This works for about three minutes of sexy pawing and shared moaning before I start to drift off again. 

At this point, there is also heated debate about switching spots. She wants to be in the middle. He would like to be in the middle, also. The middle is apparently a coveted spot. But, I am way too tired to roll over or do much of anything about the fact that I am kind of being, in their words, the threesome brat.

Nobody wants to be known as the threesome brat. Threesomes are all about teamwork and this automatically makes you a bad team player. And while it was clear to me that I had to take one for the team here, I just wanted a gosh darn nap.

Finally, my arousal overpowers my tiredness and I’m able to put my best foot forward. The only issue is we have no idea what we’re doing and there’s always a third party kind of at a loss of what to do/where to put themselves. Threesomes rarely work as well as they do in porn. You just run out of spots and someone’s left clamoring for a cranny they can slide themselves into. 

We finish a few “rounds”, by which I mean we try a few different permutations of people-arrangements until someone orgasms. Lather, rinse, cum, repeat sort of deals. By this point, my thighs are literally soaked in myself. I am practically shivering from it all. She’s smiling like a kid on Christmas. The threesome is a success. The uphill struggle is over. Everyone’s happy, I am swimming in post-orgasmic bliss and reveling in the fact that despite the rocky start, this may be one of the best encounters of my life, and things just can’t get better.

Except I fall asleep again.

In my last waking moments, it wound up that I’m kind of the odd man out at this point. I kind of crawl around them on the bed like squirrel searching for a buried nut. Then, I just get tired again, curl up on the edge of the bed, and fall asleep to the sounds of her sucking him off. 

This is apparently terrible threesome etiquette. Once a threesome brat, always a threesome brat, I suppose.

I really am at a loss again as to a moral for this story. I guess don’t get tired and have a threesome. Or be awake when you have a threesome. Or just don’t get tired.