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I love the delicate little lace blindfold in this. 

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A couple of people have tagged me in the thing where you pull up iTunes and post up the first 20 or so songs that come on your shuffle. I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it, but I pulled up iTunes just to see what came of it. 

The first song was one that I used to listen to right around when Sir and I first were messing around back in fall of 2012. Hearing it again, it took me back to the really weird space of that time where we sort of had no idea what was going on between us.

He’d given me the panic attack when he found my tumblr, he’d turned out okay, but I was still nervous. Even though I’d never seen him before at school, even though we had mutual friends and yet somehow had never encountered each other, once I met him he started turning up everywhere. Not in a stalkery way, in the way that something keeps appearing once you’re actually looking for it. And it made me anxious, because I worried about people somehow finding out about this blog.

I might just text you
Turn your phone over, when it’s all over
No settling down, my text go to your screen
You know better than that.
I come around when you least expect me.
I’m sitting at the bar when your glass is empty.

We started seeing each other behind everybody’s back. Not romantically, but just to mess around. After meeting him for the first time, I awkwardly got really subspaced when he tested out a flogger on me and felt really strangely attached. And I carried it out in doing this weird secret arrangement where he’d sneak in after my roommate fell asleep, tie me up and play with me, and then leave. It made me feel a little naughty and a little brave, and they say nothing brings people closer than sharing a secret.

You start calling, you start crying.
I come over, I’m inside you,
I can’t find you.

Aside from the obvious emotional fuckery that something like that comes with, I was coping with the fact that my relationship with that guy from my frat was not going to work and that he and I were awkwardly transitioning back into being just friends. To make matters worse, he was getting interested in my close friend, the Redhead.

And, even worse, I was placing all my shame and anxiety over this blog and my kink onto Sir. Worse, I was conflating it with him. 

Meanwhile, Sir wasn’t over a girl and the two of us would just wind up venting to each other about our respective issues. I spent a night at his place, talking and crying on his couch until five in the morning.

I was wrong, but would you have listened to you?

In an effort to protect ourselves, we were absurdly cold to each other. He had trouble kissing me. I had trouble not turning every other comment into a bitchy wisecrack against him when we weren’t just messing around. It was a harebrained effort to protect my heart from someone I felt an instant connection with but who I wasn’t sure would reciprocate. 

Are we dating? Are we fucking?
Are we best friends? Are we something in between that?
I wish we never fucked, and I mean that,
But not really, you say the nastiest shit in bed and it’s fuckin’ awesome.

Looking back, it’s weird to think that I felt so ambivalent about someone almost two years ago who now means so much to me. It’s also clear to me now how freaking lucky we were, because this could’ve all come together horribly. We were navigating this strange in-between space, we were trying to subvert an intimacy that was attempting to take root. Until, one day, he asked if he could kiss me. And then, at a Halloween party, he forgot himself and kissed me in front of my friends. Just like that, we weren’t a secret anymore. And suddenly, we felt free to be ourselves with each other, I felt safe being sweet and open with him, he felt comfortable being affectionate with me.

So, Sir and I are in love and happy. Even that guy from my frat and the Redhead are happily living together and are some of our closest friends. But, damn, could that have turned out pretty shitty. 

I guess the moral of the story is that even though he and I were fortunate enough to work out, don’t put up walls with people you want to let in. 

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Last night, for the first time, I watched Sir experience the sort of feelings I’ve been going to in facing our ethical non-monogamy. 

When it comes to Daddy, Sir never has a problem. I’m not sure if it’s just that Daddy is a girl or that Daddy and I have been friends for a while, but Sir has always been encouraging and unintimidated about my relationship with her. 

But, last night, Sir expressed that he wished I hadn’t stayed out so late with him, even if I was only out until 12:30. When he followed up by saying he might feel safer for me if he met the guy I was seeing, he stopped himself and decided he wasn’t sure whether or not he would actually want to meet him. As we talked, I saw glimpses of the jealousy and fear I had been experiencing with him. 

And, as awful as that sounds, it felt great. 

Sir sees two other girls besides me, though I am his primary partner, his girlfriend, etc. While I know what I mean to him, it is always difficult to be one hundred percent secure in my place in our relationship. I’m sometimes worried he’ll decide someone is better or that I could be replaced. And now to be the one in this position where I watch my boyfriend trying to figure out the security of his place in our relationship while I just sit back and enjoy is some selfish fun. It’s nice to feel sexy and desired and not the one worrying back at home.

What’s more, I’m hoping this will make us both more empathetic to each other’s concerns. I’m learning that yeah, just like I wouldn’t replace Sir with this guy, Sir won’t replace me. And he’s hopefully learning that my fears are not irrational at all. 

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Petitioning that this be the official uniform of little sweethearts everywhere.

130186:

Victoria’s Secret 2013

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daysoftheweekunderwear:

Feb 24, 2013: i sent you flirty texts and decided i had a crush on you
Feb 24, 2014: you tied me up and made me come three times

It’s funny what can happen in a year, isn’t it?

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In other news, I need this.

porn—or—art:

#FlowersAndFlorals

I love the little flash of green ribbon at the base of her garters.

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Sir’s got a big job interview thing tomorrow. So, naturally, I called him up and made sure he was going to bed. And bright and early tomorrow, I’m making him call me to confirm that he’s up and ready and alert. Because part of serving him isn’t just all the sexy stuff, and I’m very glad to do it. 

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I’m teasing Sir on Skype right now.

This was what I wore, with fishnets, during a certain threesome with him and SG that I need to work up the nerve to write about already.

(Please ignore the bruise on my inner thigh, I dropped a freaking kettlebell into my lap.)

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Sir and I keep talking about what I’m going to wear for this whole potential threesome with SG.

I think I just got an idea.