but not really

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That Time Pup Was Celibate For a Little Bit, Part Four

Pup and I started on this trend of getting together to study, flirting, and then parting ways before we did something regrettable. Usually, we went to a cafe or another neutral place, as if we were following those 1950s sex ed videos that tell you not to get alone in cars with the opposite sex. But, one night, he came to my house.

Halfway through, the topic of plot inconsistencies in porn came up and how that sort of stuff can ruin a perfectly good porn. So, I brought up an example and somehow we ended up watching it. You know. For research purposes.

The only problem was that I forgot how absolutely hot the video was otherwise, and so I’m stuck sitting there kind of awkwardly getting turned on next to a person I’m attracted to but can’t do anything with. We were mostly just talking and joking about it, but every so often we’d get really quiet when stuff got particularly hot. So, I’m trying really hard to behave and I was debating turning the thing off when thankfully Pup spoke up first.

“I didn’t realize men don’t actually hold off that long when I first started watching porn,” he said. We’d been speaking previously about starting a porn company and focusing doggedly on storyline in our videos, spitballing silly hypotheticals. 

“Duh,” I replied, “number one, it’s their job, so they master that shit. Number two, maybe there’s a fluffer?” I felt myself blushing and elaborated, “kind of always thought it would be hot to be a fluffer.”

“Yeah?” He asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, like a universal one for a studio,” I said, kind of pausing a moment to gauge his reaction before continuing, “like just get tied up somewhere, have people come over and get themselves hard on me, you know.”

“Tied up like that?” Pup asked, gesturing to the girl in the video. She’d been secured on her back, thighs flat up on her torso, feet near her face.

I blushed. “Yeah, maybe like that.”

“I think you’d like that,” he teased. “We start making porn, fine, you’re the fluffer.

"Do you have any idea how wet I am?” I asked. 

Pup reached down the front of my jeans. He smirked and drew his hand back. “Pretty wet.”

“Yeah,” I huffed. “Pretty wet.”

There was a palpable energy in the room, a full and heavy silence. We didn’t want to mess anything up by going too quickly. But, goddammit, tumblr.

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nankingdecade:

She wasn’t permitted to talk that evening, he told his guests, but was allowed to answer their questions with a card that read “Yes” on one side and “No” on the other.

Forced to keep her legs open, she could feel the room fill up with the smell of her dampening cunt spread on display as they stared at her and asked about the blushiest things.

Hi can you please get more kinky friends soon.

For reasons.

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In which I air the concerns that keep me from working on my thesis:

Craftsmate and I got in an argument yesterday. For, I don’t know, a number of reasons but it seems in many ways to derive from the problem at what we “want” and “look for” doesn’t always match up.

He is more of a sadist and I am more of a submissive. I can’t be his ideal masochist and he can’t be the ideal dominant figure that we sort of envision when we enter into the kooky stuff we like to do in and outside of the bedroom. 

We run into this constant issue of just not quite meeting each other in the middle in terms of what we want. I’m a few degrees in one direction, he is a few degrees in another. 

The other night things sort of got awkward when Craftsmate was cropping me. He would ideally prefer a submissive with a higher pain tolerance who is more of a masochist, so I was pretty proud of how much I was taking. But I started crying because it really hurt and my head got to this space where I accidentally called him “Daddy.” Twice.

But the issue is he finds me being “little” cute, just as long as he doesn’t have to be “Daddy.” And I didn’t realize how much I wanted that kind of figure until after he had finished I started freaking out and being like, “no, no, you have to hold me.” And so he did but not the exact nurturing way I wanted him to and so I felt myself actually get a little upset.

And it’s not that we can blame each other. We’re just looking for different things and while most of the time we’re pretty satisfied, there are little things like that which don’t quite tessellate together so smoothly.

Craftsmate wants a painslut masochist type willing to completely degrade themselves. I want someone a little more nurturing who can embarrass me a little but still makes me feel special.

And so I got a little upset when I saw on his tumblr that he had sent a flirty message to someone who fit that bill. It’s fine, I flirt with people, too, and we’re “allowed” to do that. But it hit this nerve where I was like this girl embodies everything he actually wants on the kinky side, even if she isn’t his “ideal” vanilla girlfriend. It was still massively intimidating.

Last night, we concluded we’re pretty much set on the vanilla aspects of our relationship and the chocolate is where the issues are coming in. Until we have time and are under less stress, we’re pushing the kinky back into the bedroom and staying a mostly vanilla couple.

So, ah, there’s my feelings.