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“You look confused, Melanie. Perhaps you expected to wake up in a more compromising position? Or perhaps you simply never expected to see me again. You thought I’d dropped out of sight and out of your life. Oh, silly girl. I’ve just been biding my time.”

“I admit in my early stages of planning I fantasized about tying your legs open–I’ve got plenty of pipe down here to use for spreader bars, as you see. But my observation of your habits taught me better. Keeping your legs open is hardly your problem. In fact, you little slut, I had to go back for thicker rope to make sure the knots would keep them closed.”

“No, we’re going to play a different game. Your breasts are rather sensitive, as my nocturnal surveillance indicated, and I like a challenge. I wonder if that’s amplified by the adrenaline you feel now, hmm? I wonder how you deal with stimulation while you’re bound, mute and helpless. I wonder exactly what I can do to you without removing either your jeans or your shirt.”

“Yes, that’s just duct tape on your face, and I know it’s not much of a gag. In fact, with the things I’m about to do to you, I imagine you’ll sweat off the tape rather quickly. So here’s a challenge to me, I suppose. Using just my hands and mouth and these lovely little tools, can I reduce you to incoherent begging before you manage to get the tape off your mouth? Can I get you wet despite yourself? Can I get that omnivorous pussy of yours to soak right through your jeans?”

“I believe I can. Let’s get started, shall we? And try not to wriggle too much–I’d hate to have to chain these clamps to a pipe just to get you to hold still.”

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This is kind of unusual and personal for me, but this is also the only identity where I really talk about kink, so. Pardon the digression.

I’m a pretty typical top in bed. I like control, I like getting a reaction, I like the illusion of power; aside from a couple very specific circumstances, I don’t have much of a submissive side, and I have always struggled to understand why anyone would want to receive pain as part of sex. I sort of got it abstractly: endorphins, adrenaline, heightened pleasure from sensory contrast. Not to imply the two are always connected, but I’ve dabbled lightly in self-harm in the past, so I know a little about the relief involved in externalization too. But emotionally… I couldn’t get there. I just figured I could respect other people’s kinks without needing to understand them, and hey, if my mild sadistic interests matched up with someone else’s masochism, great.

Until this weekend.

You and I are very close friends but we live a long way apart. This was one of the few times a year we get to see each other, and the flirting had turned up quite a bit, and when you drink you get tend to sock me in the arm and get a little bite-happy. This time you gave me one serious, deliberate punch, and then you bit me in the same spot. Hard. Hard enough to leave marks.

I laughed about it, but it made my heart kick. I wanted more.

It became a game. We’d be in a crowd, or at the bar, or just around the corner from a group of friends, and we’d catch each other’s eyes and you’d pinch me. Or punch me. Or, once in a while, find a soft place and bite down. The first time I was just excited to have your attention, but soon the harder you bit the better it felt. I got cold chills and goosebumps all over.

I have quite a bit of height on you, and you are sweet and kind, so we do not present the most obvious form for this dynamic. That’s part of my fascination with it. I never expected to be walking around with my public face on, cheerfully looming over you, thrumming with excitement inside and thinking fuck, I hope she hurts me again soon.

I’m not claiming this is the universal masochist experience or anything, but I get it now. I don’t bruise easily, and the marks on your favorite spot–just below the shoulder of my right arm–are already gone. But I can still feel the soreness when I push it. I want it to last. I want to be able to touch part of my body, and remember, and feel where you were.