masterprofessor-deactivated2017:
Okay, so there’s a lot I want to say here, and I think it’s best to do so by recording my thought process as I read through this message:
“Professor, I’m a new sub and found a Dom really quickly.”I can’t say I’m surprised, especially if you got on Fet, CM, Tumblr, or whatever and said anything remotely like “So I’m a new sub ~gigglez~ and I need a Dom.” That’s like throwing chum in the shark tank. The beasts love fresh (innocent and ideally ignorant) meat. So yeah, I have no doubt a predator … ahem, sorry, an eager “training Dom” … found you quite quickly indeed.
“But Sir wants more than I’m ready to give Him. At least right now.”At this point, dear anon, your dashboard should probably be lighting up with warning lights. I know mine is on your behalf. If you’re not ready, you need to tell him. And he needs to respect that. You then move forward in open and honest communication.
“During our last session I got scared enough I used the safe word.”I’m sorry that it got too intense for you. Even with a very experienced Dom and plenty of preparation this kind of thing can happen. Emotions can surge, memories can flood out in surprising ways, or any number of other unexpected events can occur that require the application of brakes. It happens. It’s okay. It need not be the end of anything but that momentary exchange of power. So don’t stress it. The really good thing here is that you were able to use a safe word and thereby put an immediate stop to what was happening …
“He went a little longer —”Wait, what?
No.
Oh hell no.
Safe word doesn’t mean “pump a few more times.” A safe word means stop. Now. Period. End of sentence. Non-negotiable. Crank the emergency break. Pull the parachute. S-T-O-P.
This is not a gray area. This isn’t subject to discussion. … Oh shit please don’t tell me he tried to talk you into continuing …
“— and then asked me if I was sure I wanted to say that. I told Him yes —”Atta girl. But he’s a total douchebag for making you repeat it. You should never need to repeat a safe word. You should never need to defend its usage. It is your word of power, and when spoken it should be as the voice of whatever god or gods y’all believe in.
“— and then He made me feel pretty guilty —”… so you grabbed his John Thomas and gave it a Silly Putty stretch. Or you squeezed his balls until you felt something pop. Please tell me that’s how this ends. Please. Because at the very least someone needs to kick this manipulating fucker in the testes. Submission is a gift, not a blank check.
“— so I did what He wanted but I don’t know it just doesn’t feel right.”Fucking hell. Of course it doesn’t feel right. Because it is NOT right. Not at all.
Listen, what separates BDSM kink from physical abuse and sexual assault can be summed up in a single word: CONSENT. And some dickhead’s “I bullied her into yes” is in no fucking way the same as consent.
“What should I have done?”Look, I wasn’t there. I don’t know if you were in a physical position to be able to boot this fucknut’s fucknuts into his vacant chest cavity — which is the sort of thing he deserves. But we can’t redo the past anyway. So with the usual caveats regarding taking advice from an internet stranger who knows little of the full scope of the situation, here’s what I would suggest you do now:
Drop this guy like the rotten meat he is. Drop him, seal the bag, carry it out to the curbside bin, put the lid on it when you’re done, and then walk away with your head held high, without a glance back or a second thought.
He is not a Dominant. He is an abuser who uses the excuse of Dominance to further his abuse of (presumably) young women. He does not respect you, he does not protect you.
Frankly, this should have ended at “he went a little longer” — because fuck no. The core of D/s is trust, and if he cannot be trusted to stop with the utterance of your safe word, he simply cannot be trusted. That he then guilted a new sub into foregoing her every impulse to stop — that he fucking manipulated you so he could finish whatever he was doing with your body … Just no.
No no no.
Not a Dominant. Not a human being. Not someone you should be with.
There are other fish in the sea, anon. It can be hard to find them — I think it’s true that there are more subs than Doms, and it seems like the numbers are getting more lopsided all the time — but the right man, a good man, is surely out there somewhere. Don’t give up your search. Don’t settle for this poor excuse of a parrot dropping.
And please don’t let this experience taint BDSM for you. It may be that this lifestyle isn’t for you — it certainly isn’t for everyone — but I do not think you can use this very wrong experience to judge it.
Last, let me reiterate that I am truly sorry you had to experience this. Get help if you are having trouble coping with it. Talking to folks can be scary, but it is almost invariably worth it. If nothing else, connect with some fellow subs in order to share the stories of the road. I’d suggest looking in particular for the intelligent and emotionally mature ones — a number of whom might follow this blog — who recognize that this lifestyle isn’t a kill-or-be-killed rat race, that their victory does not mean your loss.
Whatever you do, I wish you good fortune and well-being.
I rarely reblog other peoples asks, but this answers to a conversation I had with someone privately recently to perfection.
Part of the reason I think subs should join their local BDSM community and seek subs like themselves first before seeking doms is to help identify if not avoid guys like that.
