Off the subject of Denial December for a moment.

I have a friend that I’ve always had a hard time just viewing as a friend. I have managed it… I’ve viewed him as my best friend, I’ve viewed him as a brother, I’ve viewed him as the love of my life, I’ve viewed him as the one person I can get angry with… But my favorite thing he ever was to me was my Dominant friend. Basically friends with D/s Benefits. I never told him I liked being slapped around and pinned down and whatnot but I know he knew. The sadistic look in his eyes and darkness in his voice told made it pretty clear.

This friend and I are currently not on the best of terms, which is breaking my heart. He’s that one person, for me, that comes into your life and totally, completely changes everything, breaks all the rules, and changes your entire outlook on life, mostly for the better. Now we aren’t speaking. But I was being silly and childish, because I couldn’t see why until I confronted him and he spelled it out for me. I regained a lot of respect for him because he was willing to spell it out for me, but I’m amazed, now, that I needed that.

For two years, and to an even greater extent this summer, he has been helping me, trying to push me to get away from my parents. It’s not that they’re mean or abusive. But I have never been encouraged to grow up, to move out, to be an adult by my parents.  They are, in their own way, very controlling, and I’ve always conformed a little too much in order to keep the peace. This friend and my sister-in-law are the only people that have really encouraged that I get another job, move out, and learn how to adult. I, being the little shit that I am, kept resisting change because it didn’t feel like the right time.

Well, it feels like the right time now. It is the right time now. I’m sick of pretending I believe everything my parents do, and I’m sick of sneaking around or lying about things they don’t approve of. Stupid things, like hanging out alone with a guy, or dressing up for Halloween. And I guess my friend is sick of it too. I want to be mad at him, but honestly, he’s been dealing with hearing about it for two years, and trying to help me get out of a rut, and dealing with me slipping right back into being comfortable where I was every time I started to make progress. He made it clear that he’s tired of hearing about my parents and I have to grow up before we can be “okay”

I probably shouldn’t think of that as another Dominant thing he’s doing, but honestly, that and the prospect of getting our friendship back are big motivators for me pushing to make progress. I’m making sure I don’t miss the point that it also needs to be for me before anyone else. But the truth is, he is one of the most important people in my life, and right now, I really miss him. I miss him being my friend, I miss him smacking my face and calling me slut in greeting, I miss his absolute unpredictability and spontaneity, I miss his depressed side that doesn’t really want to do anything, I miss him looking at me like a predator, backing me against the bed, pinning me on it, and tickling me just to prove that he still could.

So, yes, sir. I will grow up. I will take action and I will show progress. I know apologies don’t mean a lot anymore, because I apologized too much when I didn’t know what I was apologizing for. I messed up bad, and you’re right, it is time for me to be an adult. I’m deeply sorry I didn’t realize what the issue was sooner. Thank you for finally being straight-forward with it about me. I refuse to fall back into complacency!